At the time I decided to start writing again, and find my own little place to scream into the void, here in Canada our biggest threat to life and democracy seems to be a vaccine mandate.
But much like since the start of writing this post and now, this pandemic has given me time and space to think, and reflect.
I mean, my anxiety often has me reflect on things – to find the things I did poorly, where I may have said the wrong thing, if some nuanced piece of body language was a reaction when most likely it was nothing at all.
The Pandemic has been different though… my work has almost all been remote, and I’ve found myself thinking of worst case scenarios of how my behaviour may put people in my life with different health requirements and pre-existing health conditions at risk. My social interactions have been pretty minimal, needless to say.
So it’s a lot more of just me and my thoughts, and without all the other things in there bouncing around – which sounds like it could be a bad thing.
And sometimes it is.
But it also leaves more space to sit in those anxiety reactions, to not only reflect on that event or behaviour – but why in the fuck these *types* of events of behaviours seem to disproportionately set off my anxiety?
And so rather than a rant on how insulting it seems to have a bunch of people with ties to some pretty concerning conservative right wing views occupying our capital telling us this this is the biggest threat to our democracy – I’m going to take a step back and just talk about the anxiety piece.
I remember when I wanted to write that rant, it was because I was so hyper-fixated on the issue, and there were so many threads of thought racing through my mind – trying to understand what exactly is the threat that other people are seeing that I’m missing, or more often, what exactly is the reason people see this as a threat and I don’t?
And then all the racing thoughts of things I have learned through work or experience that suggest to me the arguments to see this thing as a threat just don’t hold water.
And it all builds up and feels like pressure.
What. The. Fuck. Is. Going. On.
And so some of these thoughts might start on paper too. I think the process of physically putting pen to paper and getting into the moment of trying to move a thought from my brain to the page will be good. It seems to help focus the thread, and the other competing intrusive thoughts seem to interrupt less.
I believe trying to jot down my scattered and tumbling thought might be cathartic, and might help me process so much of what is going on for me personally, and what is going on in the world around me – constantly being complicated by this pandemic.
There are so many complex issues and challenges in front of us, and I find myself frequently getting lost trying to detangle and make sense of conflicting attitudes, opinions, and information.
In short – I’m exhausted.
2 MUCH THINK 2 SLEEP 